#no its not the best decsion she could have made

[xerith-42]

FUCKING PREACH

(Don't care about being anon)

I don't understand the community opinion that Nicole is abusive in MCD and that she was entirely in the wrong in the Dimitri and Dante situation.

1. One of the moments where Nicole is brought up being abusive is when she knocks Dimitri to the floor, which in some cases would be considered abuse, but in this case, I don't think it was. It is already said that Nicole was training Dimitri and as someone who had a brother who did wrestling and a mother who taught him, rough housing is normal. The amount of times I have seen them square up is A LOT but it was never harmful. I have seen my mother put my brother in a hold because he didn't want to move, my brother laughed. Rough treatment is incredibly normal in that type of relationship.

2. Nicole not telling Dante that she had a son is completely reasonable because Dante never would have left Phoenix Drop, and Nicole had to stay in Scaleswind. Sure, share custody could have worked, but this is high fantasy and wouldn't have been safe until Dimitri was older. Also, Dimitri would have resented Dante because he wasn't with his mom because of his devotion to a (presumed) dead woman. Was it the most moral way of handling it? No, was it the best she could do? Yes.

.

[that-one-weeb-buts-its-the-main]

Can we get a headcanon please with Silco and a pregnant reader along with his initial reaction when she tells him after sorta hiding it from him; being too afraid of what his reaction might be.

Pregnant | Silco

Reader: female

Note: BrO I REALIZED IT SAID HEADCANNONS INSTEAD OF FIC IM SO SORRY

Warnings: there was an abortion mentioned ONCE it doesnt happen but during a talk with Sevika, Sevika like a laid forward straight sister told Y/n her options

"I'm...I'm pregnant."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"I don't know."

Sevika sat across from her, cup of alcholol in hand. Y/n messing with her hands, bending fingers back, rubbing her palm with her thumb nervously.

"You...know he's unpredictable..." Y/n spoke.

"He's not that unpredictable." Sevika informed watching y/n wring in nerves.

"You have a few options." She told her, "You can 1. Get rid of it, theres three diffrent ways for that, kill you, an abortion, or adoption. 2 you can run, I won't tell where you went. 3 you can woman up and tell him."

"Option one a and two are looking good right now." Y/n told Sevika.

"Im sure you should go with option three-"

The door opened as it went quiet quickly, "I need you to carry out a job Sevika, Shimmer shipment."

"Yeah Yeah Im comin." Sevika spoke standing up then looked down at Y/n who once sat across from her, "don't be a dick about it."

"Real helpful Sevika." Y/n told wrapping her arm around herself.

"I'll talk to you later."

Y/n nodded, Sevika leaving.

"And me? Need me for any jobs?" Y/n questioned.

"I need you in my office." Silco spoke.

"Yeah."

Y/n followed Silco, they making there way up to his office to talk. It was what Y/n assumed, once inside she was given a kiss and he went to go sit at his desk.

It was about a job, something about delievers or shimmer- she didn't know.

"Y/n."

"Hm?" She spoke her eyes glancing at him and then back around, keeping her eyes away.

"You're hiding something. What is it?"

"Nothing." She lied, "shipment right? Shimmer?"

"No." Silco spoke, "I need you to go make a deal with that sheriff, complete it more or less. I need you at the head."

"Yeah..." Y/n spoke, "whatever you need Silco. Yeah..."

Silco watched her leave quickly. The job was simple enough, get in with the stuff get out with the stuff. Easy as pie, and it went that smooth as well. She was glad Silco's men enjoyed her company so much. They always going drinking afterwards. They were brothers.

"Im sorry your what!?" One asked, "no way!"

"Yeah." Y/n spoke, "I don't know what to do!"

"Leave em"

"For real run for the fuckin hills. You don't want to have to raise a child in the underground."

"I heard pregnat women can get into Piltover easier. Especially past the blockade."

"He'll find her in Piltover you idiot!"

"Go across contient. Thats the best choice."

Y/n sighed, rack with the decsions she was given. There was whistle and a call for Y/n to go into Silco's office.

"Run while you can."

Y/n sighed as she made her way up the oh so familiar stairs. At this point she want to go into his office lazily say "fuck you Im pregnat its yours. Peace" and take never ending nap.

Yet the moment she walked in tension filled her body, this could go many ways even though she didnt believe it would get violent- there was always a possibility something could escolate quickly.

"Ah. Y/n." Silco spoke up, he leaning against the corner of his desk "Congrats on the easiest sucess of your career."

Y/n only nodded, "Did you...uh.. need somethin?"

Silco cocked a brow.

"No."

She nodded turning around to walk away.

"But I would enjoy the company."

"I'll get Sevika-"

"Your company. "

"Right."

Y/n returned to her original spot nervous. Silco taking a sip out his mug before setting it down and walking her way. He grabbed her chin care fully turning her head back and forth and making her look up.

"Your not hurt, what are you hiding then." Silco demanded.

"Nothin." Y/n responded.

"Yes-"

"Not telling you something is diffrent from hiding something from you. Its my choice to tell you something," Y/n snapped, Silco's eyesbrows knitted together in confusion, she sighed, "Im. Im sorry. Okay. I've been...stressed."

"I need you." Silco spoke, "Your one of the only people I can depend on-"

"Yeah well you can't no more," Y/n spoke.

"What happened?" He questioned.

"I. I screwed up okay?" Y/n responded rubbing her arm nervously, "Im...Well...pregnant and. It could only be yours...ours..."

It went silent he becoming confused, starting to pace, hand running through his hair.

No. Pregnant- She couldnt be pregnant- that wasnt possible- well it was possible- fuck of course it was possible. Dad of the year was definitely not a title he could ever run for. Dad wasnt even a title he felt he could run for.

"Pregnant..." he finally spoke.

Y/n nodded, as Silco looked back at her.

Y/n was someone that could parent, the young Jinx in there care loved her with every hour of everyday, Y/n showing the same love back in her own little ways, like doing her hair or getting her a new set of crayons sitting with her and watching her draw or even drawing with her. Jinx often stuck to her hip.

"Im sorry." Y/n apologized.

"No." He spoke quickly grabbing her face, "No, don't apologize."

She looked up at him concerned, "I." He started but couldnt finish.

He was terrified. Mostly of fucking things up.

"We'll get through this its okay." Silco reassured, quickly pressing a kiss to her lips and pulling her into a hug, she hugged back tightly.

Worry still filled her head, Silco hadn't exactly responded to her news, and her family had a fair share of horror stories from giving birth. What truly feared her was doing it alone. By herself until her child came.

"Am...are...." she fell silent arms still holding each other tight, "am I going to have to get rid of the baby."

He pulled away, but still kept her in his arms, "No." He spoke confidently wipping her tears away with his thumb.

"Do you...want me too-"

"I want you to stay by my side." He confessed, "you, our child, jinx. All of us. Its not like raising Jinx. This is different, this time its not a child yet a baby...I am...scared..."

Y/n understood now, being someone from the Lanes or from Zaun, it was hard to think about the postive over the negative- the fear. Death was common at any given second. He could die right now, she could die right now. Father hood wasnt many people were very common with either.

"I love you." Y/n spoke.

"I love you too." Silco responded bringing her into a kiss.

As time past, Silco tried harder and harder, the be gentler, to be sweeter, to be father material. His happiness grew over worry over time, Y/n getting bigger and bigger by the week. The small Jinx excited as well, determined to be the best big sister. It was commidical, the two practically fighting over who got to feel the baby kick whenever it did and it often Jinx would try and have a conversation with your swollen stomach, upset that her new brother- as she thought- wouldn't answer back.

Silco on the other hand kept her bar bound towards the end of her pregnancy she only allowed to leave for small tiny errands, he worried y/n'd get hurt. She tried to reassure him multiple times she'd be fine but he wouldn't budge.

It was almost commidical she went into Labor while he was in Piltover, hashing out some deal. A tween Jinx having to rush to get her to the doctor. Thank god Sevika was there and Singed was in his usual offices.

Silco wasn't aware until he hit thr border of Zaun once again, one of this men rushing to find him, out a breathe Silco only walked around him.

"Sir....I...I have a message from...Y/n...sir..." the man spoke with labored breathe.

"She...fuck....she and jinx along with Sevika had to do tot the docs place..." he panted.

"What!?" Silco deamnded, "tell me the whole thing Dammit!"

"She's...having the baby sir..."

Note: hahaahahah I left ya'll wil a cliff hanger

[marshmallow-phd]

The Experiments

Genre: Sci-Fi, Thriller, Experiment AU

Pairing: Fem!Reader x Exo (????)

Summary: You were a med school graduate who just wanted to help research cures for the world. Instead, what you got was a dream job at EXO Applied Sciences. That is, until you discover the secrets of Level Sixty-Six and the nine inhabitants that are stored down there….

Warning: none

Part: 1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5 I 6 I 7 I 8 I 9 I 10 I 11 I 12 I 13 I 14 I 15 I 16 I 17 I 18 I 19 I 20 I 21 I 22 I 23 I Final

You couldn’t believe what you just heard. After all their talk about logic and strategy and the impossibility of getting Junmyeon out of EXO, they just waltz in here and say they’ll help like that entire meeting hadn’t just happened? What insanity was this?

“Run that by me one more time,” you said acidly. Maybe you’d just misheard. Or maybe you were completely delusional. After what you’d been through, that was a huge possibility.

Luhan rolled his eyes. “Come on, (y/n). Are you really that surprised that we would want to get Junmyeon out of there, too?”

“Yes,” you answered without hesitation. Pointing to Anya, you said, “Just five minutes ago, she was lecturing on about how dangerous it was and how impossible of a task it would be. So excuse me for being blindsided by this sudden change of heart.”

Anya cleared her throat, trying to maintain the stature of a soldier. “I’ve changed my mind. I was wrong. Even with the board’s decsion, you’re right. We should go get him.”

You raised an eyebrow. “That was a quick turn around.”

Luhan stepped forward, almost protecting her in his stance. “I convinced her.”

“How?” Chanyeol demanded. “You seemed pretty set on the first decision as well.”

“I care about Junmyeon, too. But someone needed to be on Anya’s side,” Luhan snapped.

“That doesn’t explain how you convinced her to help us,” Baekhyun pointed out.

Anya dropped her eyes to the ground, a pink dust appearing on her cheeks. She didn’t fight or pull away when Luhan slipped his hand into hers, giving her the most loving look.

“I asked what she would do if it were me that was taken,” he replied in a hushed voice. Eyes widened all around, no one expecting that answer.

“It wasn’t hard to change my mind after that,” Anya finished.

You shrugged, not really seeing the point in continuing the arguement. “Okay. I’m convinced. Now, Miss Strategist, any idea how we’re going to pull this off?”

Letting go of Luhan’s hand, Anya stepped forward, pulling a roll of paper as long as her arm out from her belt behind her back. She unrolled it to reveal similar blueprints to the ones Marcus had shown you, laying them out on your bed while everyone gathered around.

“Our best bet at entering the facility is to go through how you came out,” Anya declared, pointing the exit out on the map.

You smirked. “That’s what I was thinking. But what if they’ve blocked it off?”

She pointed to Kyungsoo. “Isn’t that what he’s for?”

Kyungsoo was fighting a smile; you could tell from the way the corners of his lips twitched, straining the muscles around them.

You held back your own snort, “Okay, so Kyungsoo gets us through, then what?”

“I think I can get a small group to go with us,” Anya continued. “We’ll clear the area, giving you guys’ time to search the basement for Junmyeon. The staircase will be our escape route, too. However, another small group of you are going to have your own mission.”

“What’s that?” Jongdae asked, intrigued.

A mischievous – if somewhat scary – smile grew on her lips. “We’re going to blow that place up.”

You were suddenly feeling very sick.

The van you were all packed in was disguised as a delivery truck, making it the perfect camouflage to get close to the alley without alerting someone. It was hot and stuffy and the tactical gear Anya had insisted you wear weighed at least twenty pounds. The “small group” she’d been able to put together consisted of three mercenaries who had been with us at the rendezvous point. They had no official ties or alliances with the board and therefore able to come along without consequences. Anya, however, would be in a great deal of trouble once you got back.

If you got back.

No, (y/n). Think positive.

Yeah, right. What’s a positive thought?

It’d been a few days since all of you had agreed to the discussed plan and tried to mentally prepare for it. You weren’t sure that you had reached that state mentally yet. But it was too late to turn back now. 

The van slowed to a stop and the nauseating feeling grew. Anya stood up near the back doors. “Alright, everyone remember what they’re supposed to do?”

With heads nodding all around, Anya signaled to Luhan in the front seat. He got out and came around to the back, opening up the door to let everyone out. In a huddled group near the door, Anya went over the plan one last time, just to be sure.

She, along with the mercenaries and Luhan, would go in first, taking out any standing guards with tranquilizers and make sure the coast was clear for the rest of the team. Then those of you remaining would split up: Jongin, Chanyeol, and Sehun would go with you to find Junmyeon while the others would plant the preset bombs all around the basement. After you found Junmyeon and got him out, everyone else would retreat, setting off the fire alarms along the way to evacuate the building of any innocent bystanders. By luck, it was the weekend, meaning most of the day-to-day staff should be gone.

You took several deep breaths as she spoke, trying to calm your system down. When that didn’t work, you just gave up, concentrating on seeing Junmyeon’s face again. There. That’s a positive thought.

“Okay,” Anya nodded, satisfied that everyone was on the same page. “Let’s go.”

The door in alleyway was still unlocked, making the first step easy. Anya went down first, gun drawn and held up at eye level, sweeping the area for any hidden enemies. Her fearlessness and determination made it easy to see why Luhan would have fallen for her.

Every time someone’s step made the rusting metal stairs squeak, the hairs on the back of your neck would rise, just waiting for an ambush. The sound bounced off the walls menacingly. You had to fight back the nausea that was threatening to build up again.

By a miracle, you all made it to the bottom of the stops. The concrete around the door at your feet was darkened, stained from a poor cleanup job. Images of Marcus’ body flashed in your mind, making you stiffen up. You weren’t sure if you’d be able to move again. Feeling your anxiety, Luhan put a hand on your shoulder, giving you a small, sympathetic smile. You tried to return it, although you weren’t sure if you were successful.

The door was still melded shut from when Kyungsoo had crushed the steel handlebar to prevent anyone from coming after you. Said hybrid shuffled his way to the front and began his work on the locking mechanism once again. As soon as it was cleared away and nothing holding it in place, he pushed on the door, but it wouldn’t budge. The door rattled against whatever was blocking its way.

“Don’t make too much noise,” Anya warned.

Kyungsoo nodded before turning back to the door. His eyes searched all around until they settled on the hinges. He ripped them away from their screws and then he lifted the entire door, setting it down gently against the far right wall, out of the way.

Bars. Thick, black metal bars were what kept the door from being opened. Kyungsoo made quick work of them, breaking the bars in half and bending them out of the way. He stepped aside, allowing Anya’s team to head inside.

Four guards were wandering the hall. One spotted the mercenaries right away, but he was silenced before he could alarm the others. Within five minutes, all present guards were subdued and Anya threw the signal allowing the rest of you inside.

Everyone dispersed, Anya’s group checking the first individual labs to the left and right as they went along. The bomb group ran out towards the lobby, hoping to do the most damage to the building there. Out of sight of the others, you took off the tactical gear.

“(y/n), what are you doing?” Chanyeol chastised.  

You threw the vest aside, feeling just a bit exposed in the black shirt and tight cargo pants that Anya had given you. “I can’t move in that thing and right now I just want to find Junmyeon as fast as we can. I’ll be quicker without it. Besides, if they’re going to kill me, Dr. Wang already said she’d aim for my head.”

The boys with you growled at your last statement, but you ignored it.

Your first thought was to check the lab housing the water tank, remembering Dr. Wang’s fascination with Junmyeon’s ability. When you reached the lab located at the very end of the hallway, you stopped in the entrance, not finding Junmyeon, but instead another face you thought you would never see again.

Nada was sitting at the table in front of the empty water tank, filling out papers. When she looked up and met your eyes, she gasped. Jumping out of her chair with enough force to throw it to the ground, she ran at you. Sensing danger, Jongin blocked her advance, sending her to the ground and locking her in against the bottom cabinets.

“Jongin!” you hissed, shoving him out of the way so you could get to the terrified Nada. “Are you okay?”

“Me?” she whispered. Without warning, she threw her arms around your neck, squeezing you in close. “Are you kidding me! How are you okay? Everyone said you were dead.”

After giving her a quick hug back, you pulled away just enough to see her face. “Dead? Why did they say I was dead?”

Nada swallowed, her eyes shifting to the three boys hovering behind you. “Marcus is dead. They said that somehow the subjects escaped and used you to get out, killing Marcus in the process. They said that the subjects would most likely kill you now that they got what they wanted. I thought I would never see you again.”

“Nada,” you shook your head. “That’s a lie. Marcus and I broke them out willingly. I couldn’t stand watching them get tortured anymore. Dr. Kwon and Dr. Wang, they were starting mind control trials.” Her eyes widened in horror, but you kept going. “The guards killed Marcus before we could make it out. Obviously, the boys haven’t killed me. All they’ve done is protect me.”

“Protect you?” Understanding, her eyes settled on Sehun, filling up with awe. The poor guy looked very confused and taken back by the sudden attention.

As cute as it was, you really didn’t have time for this. “Nada! I need your help.” You shook her just enough to get her attention again. “They took Junmyeon back before we could reach safety. We need to find him so we can get him out of here. And you need to get out of here, too. This place is going to blow.”

Nada frowned, not comprehending you. “J-junmyeon?”

You groaned. “Subject Zero-One.”

Her face lit up in understanding again. “He’s back in his cell. Dr. Wang just took him there.”

You hugged her one last time before pulling her to her feet. “Sehun, get Nada out of here and to the van.”

Sehun gapped at you. “But-”

“Now!”

He whimpered before grabbing Nada’s hand and pulling her out of the room. You looked down in your hand where you had snatched her badge.

“Hopefully this works.” You turned to your remaining bodyguards. “Come on. Let’s go get him.”

They nodded and the three of you ran out of the lab towards the lobby. More guards had arrived, keeping not only the mercenaries occupied, but Minseok and Jongdae had joined in the fight as well. Jongin held onto you and zoomed past the lobby, leaving Chanyeol behind.

He put you back down and you ran for Junmyeon’s cell. Just before you could try and swipe Nada’s badge to get through, the door slid open on its own.

Dr. Wang stepped out, scoffing. “I wish I could say that I’m surprised, but I’m not. You just couldn’t let this go, can you, (y/n)? I actually had half a mind to let you live the rest of your life in peace. If you’d just stayed away.”

You took a step back, trying to put distance between you and the woman you once thought of a mentor and a friend.

“They’re human beings!” you yelled. “And you’ve done nothing but treat them like your sadistic little toys! Taking away their free will? What kind of monster does that?”

“The kind that wants to change the world,” she stated simply. She paused, looking off thoughtfully. “Also, the kind that likes to get paid.”

“Who’s funding this?” you demanded. “I know it’s not the government. I know that’s a lie. So, tell me, which billionaire wants to take over the world?”

Dr. Wang laughed. “Oh, dear. There is so much you don’t understand. This was never about ruling the world. What a terrible movie-type motive.”

She stepped out of the doorway, revealing Junmyeon standing behind her, that same blank face still present. His eyes were glazed over and there was no hint of your favorite smile.

“Zero-one?” Dr. Wang called out.

He turned to face her, ready for orders. A guard appeared ready from another cell and shot a Floating Taser at Jongin, who wasn’t quick enough to doge it before it lodged itself in his calf, sending his body into a frenzy at the electric shocks.

“No!” Chanyeol ran down the hallway, ready to attack, but another guard threw an electrified net over him, powerful magnets keeping it on the ground and trapping Chanyeol in. Both of the boys cried out in agony, but there was nothing you could do. You’d been overpowered.

Dr. Wang smirked. “Kill her.”

With no evidence of him fighting, Junmyeon turned to you, his face contorted into an ugly scowl as he stalked toward you, ready for the kill.

[the-fiction-witch]

The 10 levels Of the Underworld: Emvirgo

REAL LIFE:  COUPLE: TBS X READER RATING: FUNNY

Previously: 

Earth: http://whatifwearefiction.tumblr.com/post/180218637090/the-10-levels-of-the-underworld-earth

When I got my head to focus again I was in a dark grey space it was empty I was on the floor so I stood up trying to focus and I felt Kitty batting my face “Ohh good your okay sweetie, any idea where we are?” I ask but nothing a usual so I sat up picking up Kitty in my arms and cuddling her as I stood up I saw a sign post so I went over it had one little sign pointing left

'To Emvirgo' it read

“What is this place Kitty?” I ask giving her a pet

“Well sorry to tell you dear boy but you happen to be dead” I heard a voice say I looked down and saw a little house build into the bottom of this sign post out of the house came a tiny man

“Dead?” I ask

“Yes Rather Untimely I'm afraid you and your pretty pussy cat” he laughed “Name please?” He asked getting a book from the little houses window sil and flicking though pages

“Thomas” I answer

“Thomas what?” He asks

“Just Thomas” I shrug putting Kitty on the floor and kneeling down close to this little man

“Just Thomas... Just Thomas... Ohh Son of Mark and Tasha?” he asks

“Yeah” I sigh

“Oh so your-” he began

“Can we just stick with Thomas? Please” I interupt

“Alright, what's this sweet little things name?” he asked

“Ohh Kitty” I laugh

“Thomas... and Kitty, ahh hear you are” He smiles “Course, well you got your two decisions” He says

“Two? But the sign has one post?” I ask a little puzzled

“It has two you thunder Head” he laughs pointing up and I saw it had another pointing sign

“when did that get there?” I ask in panic

“Its always been there you just went looking for it” he shrugs I looked and noticed it read

'to the dammed' I was very puzzled again having to put Kitty in my lap as she was trying to batt at this tiny man

“can you explain to me whats going on please? I'm very confused” I ask

“sure, well you and your pretty kitty are dead now, this Is a little place we call the cross walk, you go left for limbo you go right for hell” He explains

“what about heaven?” I ask him

“Ohh trust me kid only the sweetest softest little show offs every get into heaven” he explains “Besides cant get to heaven so exclusive they banned any indirect travel” He explains “so make up your mind” He says

“so I either go to limbo and be stuck in a pointless void for all eternity or hell and be tourchered for all eternity” I ask

“No no no, you have a kitty you'll do fine in hell likely get working as a guard or a torcher specialist, cats are the guardiens of the underworlds don't you know” He explained

“Can't I just stay here?” I ask him

“No! And take my job! You young whipsnazers allways thinking of yourselfs I got a family to feed!” He complains

“I'm sorry, I just don't know what to do, its a big decsion where to spend all eternity” I sigh

“Well you could try option three there son?” He suggests

“Option three?” I ask and he pointed up and the sign had another post

'Back to Life' it read

“Life? I could go back?” I ask

“well yes its a long travel might take a couple earth years but yeah you can do it, go though all Nine Hell levels, the Hell gate, Greed, gluttony, lust, sloth, wrath, Envy, Pride and then the main man himself” He explains “Then its just a left at her cave and staight on back to earth” he explained

“Her Cave?” I ask

“Her Cave? You mean human's havent been taught that?” he asked and I shave my head “Her cave, the Tenth Level of the underworld declared for only the worst ever, left to rot for being to extream, have your religious leaders not been passing this on?” he asks

“Not really they mainly just fight each other over who's right about what order things come in, and the date of easter” I shrug

“My god I'm happy I left earth so long ago” he Sighed

“Honey, Dinner” a voice called from the little house

“Well make your mind up kid, wifey's made pot roast tonight” he smiled going inside is little house I sat thinking for a while I do want to go back I guess the whole way though hell doesnt seem to hard, I was a little curious though looking in though the tiny window the tiny man sat at a wooden table with a little wife and children,

“How odd?” I say more to myself “Well come on then Kitty, best get started” I sigh getting up and heading off though this grey void in the general direction the sign had pointed me

“Wait Thomas!” the little man called

“what is it?” I ask

“keep Away from her door!” He yelled

“Okay” I shrug a little confused why he said that but going off with Kitty following close behind me.

Next level The Gateway

[thegurlbehindthesmile]

Truth be told

Life is a funny thing full of shitty things and happy things.

i think when im older ill look back on these and just dread it all. it curls my stomach to read my old journeys. not in a bad way really but not in a good way.

as my son is getting older and older i am faced daily with confronting myself with my own inner child.

well how was i raised? what did they do when i did this? well did i like what they did when i did that? was it necessary. this jumble of words cascades from my mind. all these questions i never had before ...thought about.

i never really thought about how or why i did something. how i reacted. how i learned... its crazy how its shaped by those who raised us.

as i am now the one doing the raising you come to these moments every SECOND and think IF i do it this way i could change his whole world right now.

example: if i yell right now for him making this mess, i could destroy his ego or teach him a lesson. do i use force . do i yell.

in that moment every mistake uve made as a kid comes to mind. every parent who taught you that lesson comes forth and you think hmm i can approach things so many different ways.

you decide whatever you decide.

as a mom i see it this way now.

im going to mess up i mean its a give in

and mess up is a silly word because its all a learning process LIFE

so assuming just by living it that you'd mess up well thats instantly pessimistic. BUT anyway

im going to keep trying till the outcome seems even, not so bad not so good . not hurtful but helpful

coming to these cross roads doesnt mean that the way i was raised was wrong. AGAIN i dont really see wrong or right. life is crazy and if we argue about mundane issues like....wrong....or right... we could be here for months.

morally correct- ok. wrong in the sense of 2+2=5 OKAY.

but i mean im always saying the apple is the apple. if we argue about the hues of green and the bitter and sweetness we both agree its an apple. maybe u like it maybe i dont. my opinion isnt helping the situation or growing it in a positive way- why bicker. its non sense and such a waste of energy

SO

yeah if i change the way i run my marriage and parenting its not about being some fuckin rebel. its just about me living my life.

my sons 3. he is brighter than any star ive ever been able to gaze upon. being in his light makes one feel special and free. you could only dream of being in his attention because it would be such radiation. i am his attention most moments. 23 hours out of the 24 hour day . and i try and glorify every minute.

as he grows i simply try and stay excited to meet the next version of himself. i just want to build a relationship with him where he feels safe.... safe to be himself. to speak his mind. to act freely and truly be himself in whatever fashion. i want him to feel confident in himself and in me to be able to ask all types of questions and figure out all types of answers together, because maybe one answer isnt necessarily the only answer.

i want him to learn all about life and love and be excited to learn more and more about it. maybe to the point where his lust will never get full- that as his cup over flows he only continues to give to others. and the more and more he gets the more and more he can give.

that that fire in him never fades.

that doubt never over clouds his judgement

and that if only- like today and yesterday and from every moment since i was able to hold him for the first time- that he forever finds comfort in my holding. and shelter in my arms from whatever maybe hard on him for the moment.

i cant expect more than that. i truly cant. life has to happen and learning has to happen, and with life and learning come mistakes and opportunities and saddness and greatness and that is LIFE as we know it. to expect more OF him i believe would take away from whats meant to just be. JUST be julian. just be you.

id like to the biggest guide and support i can. to honor to keep u safe and healthy. to talk it out. work it out. see all the sides so we can simply understand each other. i want to bask in ur light forever.

like most days these days arguing and yelling is so common. my mothers opinion is a constant reminder to do something or change something. instead of just being nothing. her mind is constantly flooded with worry and love and its all very confusing. i dont believe love is that hard. i do believe i was raised to believe it is among many other things but as ive learned..its not. worrying is not love. its a by product- a sub by product if that, love can be so many other greater postive things. worry should be the last. her expectations and how she has lived and thought control her actions. i feel she lets her expectaions could the reality. that reality IF it differs then her thoughts then it must be less. it must be incorect. it must be fixed.

i dont feel thats the case. im not aruing her way is wrong in any sense but i think our ways are deff different. and thats okay as i grow "my way " changs every second - logic would tell me that as i approch my 70th year of life i would have changed so much so that im sure my way would infact be similiar to yours. but that moment..is not now.

now is when i am able to make my own decsions. and those decisons need to be made and tended to be me.

i think its fair to say that with the 44 yr differnce between us we are entitled to have different opinions on most topics. the age the era. its a give in. so why argue about those things.. the things we cant really chnage or predict but have shaped us from within. old trauma's - life events.. these things have happened but they dont need to necessarily impact us in a negative way. i dont think any experience is meant to impact us in a negative way. i think it would best or better to learn and adapt and create the most postive "ness" we can cuz one can only grow in healthy soil.

her opinion and her thoughts no longer feed my soul. my self. they no longer impact me greatly. with postive impact but only bring negative thoughts and feelings. you are entitled to feel what u feel and how u feel it but i dont believe youre entitled to make meeee have to feel those feelings. i can understand u simply by u having raised me. by us having had a discussion. i know the feeling of making new steps in the sand. i just dont feel its fair to make me feel shitty for walking my own path.

just because its different doesnt mean its wrong

just because were learning and growing daily doesnt make us naive fools.

jp there is and never will be a right and wrong with u and me okay. prismic infinity honor and see all sides. lets argue less. listen always. i want to be someone u simply want to be around.

im done arguing about this apple

[brightbutdumb]

Damn.

I havnt been on here in a min. so ill make this quick. Disney has been stressful. so rightnow im testing for any learning disabilities at my college so i can know why im slow and dont remember things. im taking two classes this semester but hopefully i get my shit together so i can take more next one or know my own pace. ummmmm... i made a snapchat and deleted the other ones i had. sc should allow us to change our usernames. life has been eh. i still have no friends. disney has friendly and not so friendly ppl. just gotta kno how to play it. since im workin the ride i gotta take responsibility of others which im not so good at but starting to get a little hang of it. i seriously think my leads hate me and most of the rest of the cms. like the girl that i got hired in wiht me like.... seriously she got nominated to be cast member of the month.. like WHAT? for real, we just got hired maybe a month and half ago... kill me now 🔪🔪  idk... but ummm what else... my mood is still kindalike,,, rightnow im fine but have no motivation or like ganas to do anything.. actually like last tuesday?? or wed?? i was thinking about how i didnt want to live anymore like i just want this over with already.. yesterday i was thinking about how it would be to jump off a building.. like i would so end my life if it was painLESS.. and if my mom could not go through the pain of losing me.. i just wish i didnt exist all the time.. like why ddnt i get a life that had half the work cut out for me already.. like im not a lazy piece of shit (though i am).. why i say that is becase, when you look at someone , or when i look at someone, and im going to talk about most or all the people ive seen for the duration of my life.. they are all constsatnyly moving. moving on whith work, their life(as in friends fam activities). and everyone is alwasy falling to the norm of: simple, most likely, or expected behavior(thinking, talking, actions). when i talk like this it brings up the fact that ive seen so many personalities over and over again. regurgitated through many ppl. imma start namin names. like kim and mari. cept kim is a bit different. hence regurgited and shes like i think a year older.saeed is different tho. his traits are like many but he fights or rather unafraid maybe idk. cant pin it. geo is like any other person who outs their voice because they think theyre important enough ot have an opinion. she walks, talks, and acts in that way. don is different too. havent seen much of her kind but she older, white, has a cat husband and a legally blind mother. so idk. u know, i dont know how to break down what im saying so just skip this part. lol idk how u can if u got to this point but sorry. im not quite there yet to  start explaing myself fully detailed and broken down. so past this...  ugh moods.im up and down. for maybe the third time i felt angry, like angry. or forced myself to be angry. so. idk. i just.. why couldnt i have had a life where i wasnt this ‘woke’ consioucly. where im thinking all the time of things that should be left aloen. why am i always feeling restless but cant get a damn thing done. when i say cut out for me, i mean when i see someone they have gusto, *pause* ..  this way, idk if its their ganas or their spirit or their will of being,, but they have it, its there. everything about a person comes from the inside. their energy, their soul, their sprirt, whaterver it is, its their. they have a life not wasted. they move through their life as being. and thats how someone functions accordingly to themselves. but me, its like my ganas or wil or something idk yet, was taken from me. i remember me as a kid going through life just being. idk what it was that im not anymore. its like i see my life but im not here. like i shouldnt be here, not for the sake of like omg i want to kill myself but for the sake of like i feel out of place. like its not time for me to be here. like a change of thought or something u need or want to remember but cant. that feeling of me not being is a wasted life. because if i cant function or move foward, than what am i doing here. the way i see it or idk but the scene in the deathly hallows pt 2 when harry dies and meets dumbledore at the trainstation. its like that scene and how i feel. i forgot what they talked about. but i rmember dumbledore saying harry had a choice to move on or go back.and then he left. its like. harry had his whole life cut out for him. his will was given to him as a baby like any other kid for just being. but more will was added when his parents died, how he was treated as a boy, hime finding out hes a wizard, and the many more things that happened. but at that moment when he was at the train station he was just there like what now. and if im talking about the scene wrongly or mispeaking about it sorry but the way i remember it was it was all left to him. at that point it was like now he makes the decision. the all be all of things. and that decsion should come when a person is much older, or/and has gone through some big life-changing things, or some other enormous or maybe small events that change or alter a persons life doesnt matter if its for the best or worse.. but theres a point in someones life when there is a decision to be made. and why i bring this up is because i feel like i was given the decions of my life to early. i wish i had stayed numb or not woke , or unconscious of my being until i had to. i mean really had to. i wish i had stayed uncounsios for the duration of my being until i had to make that decison. thats the best way i can put it rightnow. if it ca be understod in the way i need it to be. great if not ill try again later. but for rightnow im stuck. im stuck and idk what to do.

damn.